ironical

what planet am I on?

with 9 comments

Today I went to Lowe’s.

That’s right. Me. Lowe’s. The hugely enormous home improvement do-it-yourself everything you could ever possibly need warehouse store. And me.

I went to get a few small things that we needed for the house. There are some places here that need a little attention. Places that I and my dear husband have been ignoring. I know you might find this hard to believe, but neither of us are on the front lines of home repair. Bryan has many talents in the areas of design, marketing, general congeniality and song lyric recitation. He’s also the funniest person I’ve ever met in real life, and his shopping genius is sadly (out of sheer economic necessity) under appreciated. My gifts also lie in the dreamy realm of the arts, that sunshiny place with butterflies and rainbows and absolutely no leaking sinks.

When it comes to fixing things around the house, we pretty much have an iron-clad rule that we live by.

If We Ignore It, Maybe It Will Go Away.

It’s a great rule, one that enabled us to live with a hole in the ceiling of our previous house for several years. Did I mention that during the same period, you couldn’t walk out of the back door of that house, because we took a room off and never replaced it with anything? Like stairs. Or a deck.

So, in an attempt to be slightly more responsible in this area than I usually am, I took myself and my little list to Lowe’s, where I promptly stood around and looked up like a tourist in Times Square. If my life had depended on it, I don’t think I could have found the four things I needed on my own. It’s so big in there. And those fluorescent lights make a buzzing sound. Plus it always feels like something is going to fall on you . Or someone is going to run over you with one of those smallish tractor things they drive around in there.

Several very friendly Lowe’s people noticed my utter confusion and came to help me. Also, my very friendly friend Annette gave me some advice over the phone. Annette is married to Phil, who is a home inspector and has also personally remodeled every house they have ever lived in. Phil can make or fix just about anything (really, I’m sitting here trying to think of something he hasn’t made or fixed…hmmm) and since Annette has lived with him for the past 15 years, some of that knowledge has rubbed off on her. I figured she was extremely well qualified to tell me what to get to caulk my tub.

So, after an hour, I wandered out of Lowe’s with all-purpose tub and tile caulk, some wood stain for a refinishing project (I can hardly say that with a straight face), a new garden hose sprayer, and a handy plastic tool to put the caulk on with.

Maybe one day I will USE them.

Annette called me back tonight to see if I’d made it out okay. I asked her a question about my leaking sink and she put Phil on the phone. Now, what I love about Phil is that he never makes us feel stupid about our complete and utter lack of knowledge or even any kind of instinct about how to deal with the smallest of house problems. I told him that water was leaking slowly out of the u-shaped pipe under the sink. And he very nicely, without laughing out loud at all, suggested that I tighten the screwy things that attach the two pieces of pipe together. Except he didn’t say “screwy things,” but I can’t remember what he called them.

Imagine that! Tightening something can stop a leak! What an amazing world we live in.

Also amazing? They sell method at Lowe’s! I might go back…

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Written by Sarabeth :: the dramatic

May 7, 2007 at 10:15 pm

Posted in bryan, family, funny

9 Responses

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  1. It’s nice article and very much attractive to me. I think you have good ability to say something deeply and attractively.

    Chan Sun

    May 7, 2007 at 10:51 pm

  2. I would like to add that…. I really made no pretense of being a handyman when I wooed SB. It was all Shock and Awe. Fortunately she was so blown away when I let her in on the fact that I “used to have a crush on her” that she blindly pursued me until she had my little hand in marriage. Then and only then did she realize the depths of my lack of … how do I say this … usefulness. I can be a lot of fun on road trips and at uncomfortable family gatherings, but that is the extent of my skillz.

    the dude abides

    May 7, 2007 at 11:35 pm

  3. now, sb, don’t shortchange yourself. i’ve seen you operate the chocolate fountain, and it was a thing of beauty.

    milliej

    May 8, 2007 at 7:39 am

  4. Chan – thanks for the compliment!

    Bryan is right, there was no pretense of handyman skills when we met. Just one very funny Texan.

    Millie, you’re right! Chocolate is a thing of beauty…

    sarabethjones

    May 8, 2007 at 8:59 am

  5. i’m so glad you fixed your sink! yay!

    i am trying to ignore my gaping wall…it’s not going away. bugger.

    alison chino

    May 8, 2007 at 7:33 pm

  6. oh, now don’t get your hopes up so quickly, my friend…i did not say that the sink had been fixed, only that the question had been asked…

    sarabethjones

    May 8, 2007 at 10:13 pm

  7. I’m glad I’m not the only husband that is inept in the handy man department. Maybe we could start a support group 🙂

    TheShortFatKid

    May 9, 2007 at 7:31 am

  8. sfk – funny, my husband had a friend of a friend that they all called “fat kid” for several years before they actually met him face to face.

    turns out he’s not fat at all…

    sarabethjones

    May 9, 2007 at 8:26 pm

  9. We still don’t have shoe molding around our floors and it has been 4 years since we put them in. I wouldn’t even know what shoe molding – aka quarter round- is except that I know that we don’t have it. At this point we will just wait ’till we replace the floors. Again. When we re-model…in another 4 years, or so…

    Jerusalem

    May 10, 2007 at 10:10 pm


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