green, green grass

with 2 comments

The blog distresses me.

Perhaps I should say, the prospect of this blog, all the things I could write, all the people I could possibly offend, all the things I could regret revealing…all the infinite numbers of potentialities and ramifications that could…maybe…happen. These things distress me.

My husband’s mother and stepfather were here from Texas this weekend, and every time we are all together, we end up retelling great stories together, the ones that really make us laugh. It feels like dropping the needle on an old record player into the well worn groove of a favorite track. So this trip, one afternoon as we were sitting around our kitchen table, my kids remembered an especially funny incident involving Bryan’s oldest sister, Julie. Back in the days before seat belts (and this is fascinating to my children, they can’t imagine such a world), my mother in law was driving with Julie and went around a corner, when, much to their surprise, the car door flew open and out Julie went. Luckily, the car was going fairly slowly, and they were next to a nice green lawn – so all Julie hit was some grass.

Bryan’s mom says that Julie, true to form, was standing up, hands on hips, before she was even able to stop the car and get out. Completely indignant, she yelled, “Why did you do that to me!?” And, of course, she’s never let her mother forget about it…

This is one of those stories that is funnier every time you hear it – especially with Bryan’s family adding new punchlines every time. So we were laughing, the kids think that story is hilarious, and so do I. Then, out of the blue, Bryan says, “If that had happened to Sarabeth, she would have rolled on to the grass and then wanted to know, ‘What did I do?’ ”

I haven’t shaken off that comment yet.

He didn’t mean anything by it – it was just one of those moments when someone sums up…I don’t know, your personality, your very own warped world view, your particular woundedness…? Whatever – it’s that moment when someone else hits that place in you that you really thought nobody ever saw with such accuracy, such deadly aim, that it takes your breath away.

Because that is who I am. I assume guilt.

But even that is putting it a bit too nobly – what it is really is an attempt to control what other people think of me, to make them like me even if it means being willing to stifle or apologize just to keep them near. It’s what keeps me from doing something as small as posting to a blog.

So maybe it’s not the blog that distresses me after all…


Written by Sarabeth :: the dramatic

April 9, 2007 at 9:09 pm

2 Responses

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  1. yes! i feel you… maybe it is a feature of being new to blogging that i am measuring a ridiculous number of things by others’ interactions with it. but blogging is a way for me to be true, real, honest in a way i can’t always be face to face, not that i don’t want to be honest. i just can’t articulate things in conversation the way i want to. so blogging is my putting myself out there and asking do really like me now that you know more of my heart? i would like to say that i am just doing it for my own personal recordkeeping or writing practice, but i know that’s not true because of how i feel about friends who don’t even think it’s important enough to read or who don’t get why i would be doing that…writing things for the whole world to read? so yes i think the blog is distressing.

    alison chino

    April 10, 2007 at 7:26 am

  2. Oh, Sarabeth…it is so encouraging for others to know that we are not the only people who feel the way that we do. I can relate to your comments about wanting to control what others think at any cost. I have come to a place in my life where I feel the hand of God gently nudging me to let go of that part of who I am. (Maybe it’s getting older, maybe it’s life lessons, all I know is that it’s a whole new place for me.) I know I have a long way to go, but I’m working on it!

    Rhonda Soule

    April 12, 2007 at 1:04 pm

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